


☆ apparently.

by miffou



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dancing, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Songfic, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, just the smallest hint of angst!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27724895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miffou/pseuds/miffou
Summary: I'm mad, but Soonyoung doesn't get it. I don't blame him, though - I'm never one to speak out.[read time: ~15 minutes]
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi & Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Reader, written in first pov so it can be either!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	☆ apparently.

**Author's Note:**

> crossposted from aff (I know). wrote this back in 2015 (I know).
> 
> tried to rewrite some things but I don't wanna change too much cause I find it funny how different my writing was 5 years ago. I guess people do change (or hopefully, grow)
> 
> I wrote this in a first-person POV without name, though the dynamic is pretty soonhoon-ish, so the first person might as well be uji!
> 
> song: apparently by j.cole (listen as you read: [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRaFMlZ1YHA) // [spotify](https://open.spotify.com/track/1HNs07uZxZniPNmniw2GTa))

//

_This stupid guy._

I can't imagine someone more insensitive than him. It's as if he went through an evolution at one point and developed the thick skin of a rhino as result. I mean, there's no other explanation as to how he manages to go around doing whatever he wants, right?

"Alright, so the two of you are going to work together on this dance routine."

"Yay!!"

Soonyoung's loud voice feels like a gunshot into my eardrums. I shoot him a frown as he turns to me with a huge grin plastered across his face.

"We're going to be so awesome, I just know it!" He lifts his hand, inviting me for a high five.

"No," I said.

"Come on, don't leave me hanging." He pouts, his hand still hovering in front of me. Aiming for the least physical contact possible, I poke the palm of his hand with my index finger, putting strength into it. Soonyoung doesn't care, though, and grabs my finger with his hand before flailing it around.

"This is going to be awesome!!" He jumps up and down while yanking my arm as if he's trying to tear it off my body.

_Not that Soonyoung would mind._

//

"Sooo, I have an idea about the choreo..."

Soonyoung is talking to me, but his words are coming into one ear and through the other. I admit it's petty of me to be doing this, but I can't help it. I'm mad, but I'm never one to speak out.

"...was thinking that we could divide this dance routine into two different concepts, since the song picked up its pace when the singer starts to rap..."

 _Huh._ He did his homework, I guess. Soonyoung is always one so passionate about everything related to dancing, I'll give him that. Every time he's creating a choreography to a song, he would diligently listen to the song on repeat. Diligently reading the lyrics so he could understand the song better. Also diligently annoying Hansol or Jisoo to translate for him when it's an English song, like this one.

"...in this part they talk about freedom and their dreams, so maybe it's good to try to emphasise this at the end of the routine..."

I watch as Soonyoung's facial expression keeps changing every millisecond during his monologue. One moment he's bright, the other moment he's serious. _What kind of person has so many facial expressions like that?_

"...Hey. Are you listening?"

Soonyoung snaps his fingers right in front of my eyes.

"Uhh, of course! Go on."

My answer doesn't seem to satisfy him as he shoots me a doubtful look, squinting and making his eyes non-existent.

"Well, stay seated. I'm going to play the song and explain as I go."

Soonyoung stands up and starts walking to the other side of the practice room. I look around the beige walls, thinking back to the moment that led me to this very place. It took a long time. The hoops I had to go through, the sacrifices me and my family had to make. _But I'm here now._

Just then, a song starts filling the room. The familiar piano beat comforts my brain. As soon as the singer sings the melody, I slowly close my eyes.

_♫ I keep my head high,  
I got my wings to carry me  
I don't know freedom,  
I want my dreams to rescue me_  
_I've been unfaithful_  
_I don't know why you call on me_  
_Apparently,_  
_You believe in me ♪_

The first time I listened to this song, I remember falling in love with it almost instantly and the chills it gave me. To this day, it still does.

"In the beginning, we start with minimal moves. Something like this.."

I open my eyes to Soonyoung dancing to the song. In idle mode, I watch from afar as his limbs are switching from knife-like motions to rolls and waves like he's made from fluid.

_♫ And how could I be so selfish, I know I can be so selfish  
But she put up with my ways because she loves me like you do  
And though it don't always show I love her just like I love you ♪_

Listening to the song and looking at Soonyoung dancing at the same time feels somewhat strange, because it's as if he has been practicing to this song.

I know I have. It has been a dream of mine that one day I will dance to this song, on the stage, for my mother. The words I couldn't gather the courage to tell her. How much I love her even though I couldn't show it. How grateful I am that she let me chase my dreams, even when it meant leaving her to be on her own. Just thinking about her makes me choke up.

_♫ And I need to treat you better,_  
_Wish you could live forever_  
_So we could spend more time together ♪_

I can't for the life of me tell Soonyoung that I had held back from creating a performance for this song, just because I want it to be perfect. That I want - no, need - to do this dance by myself. He'd be heartbroken, and no one wants to see heartbroken Soonyoung. I'd be selfish, and I hate being selfish.

"Then, starting from this part, we can start doing more dynamic moves." Soonyoung's voice wakes me up from my daydreaming. "For this.. I have nothing yet. We'll need to brainstorm a bit."

The song fades out.

Soonyoung plops down beside me and leans back on the mirror wall. Even after dancing quite intensely, he's barely losing his breath, though little drops of sweat are apparent on his forehead and cheeks.

_I'm still not sure how I feel about this._

"What do you think so far?"

"It's... okay."

Soonyoung hums before answering, "That's good enough, coming from you. But you don't sound okay. Have you had your breaktfast yet?"

"..Yeah, I ate."

_I'd be selfish, and I hate being selfish._

"You're not sick anywhere, are you?"

"No, I'm fine."

 _Yeah,_ I think to myself. _It'll be fine._

//

"How's the practice?"

Seungcheol hands me a bottle of water as we walk away from the cafeteria after eating lunch. The past few weeks has been pretty busy that I haven't been able to practice with Soonyoung much.

"Not much. Last time we practiced together was last week."

"Is it going well?" Seungcheol asks.

I continue drinking water as I think about what to reply.

"...I guess."

"So it's not going well between the two of you."

I look at him in disbelief. Seungcheol shrugs in response. _It's really no use, keeping things from him._

"..No. The problem is not between us. It's just me."

"Uh-huh," Seungcheol says, hinting me to go on.

I let out a sigh before saying, "I don't know, Seungcheol. I'm being selfish and I hate this."

"Why?"

"Okay. So. I was really, really, really happy when I was offered to do the solo dance routine. I don't.. tell this to anyone, but it's something I've been waiting for quite some time now."

Seungcheol raises his eyebrows. "How so?"

"Because there's this song that I really wanted to do. Sort of like an ode, for my mother. The timing was right as well, since she would be in Seoul for this show. But..."

I take a deep breath, despising the words that are about to come out from my mouth.

"But Soonyoung just had to... I mean, it's not that I hate him, but I wish he wouldn't do the dance routine with me."

Seungcheol suddenly stops in his tracks and looks at something, or someone. I turn my head to find Soonyoung standing several metres away from us.

_Shit._

Soonyoung can't hide his shock, but tries anyway as he puts on a smile while walking towards us.

"You guys are really too much, saying things like that." Soonyoung laughs with a hint of nervousness. He looks at us, waiting for someone to speak, but I can't bring myself to say anything. 

"I think you two needs to talk. I'll be leaving." Seungcheol nods at Soonyoung and pats my back before walking away. Soonyoung turns to me with a confused face.

"What do we need to talk about?"

 _I knew this was bound to happen_. _I knew, but it still kills me to actually say the words straight to his face._

"Why.. are you looking so sad?"

Upon hearing Soonyoung's words, I realise that I have been frowning for awhile.

"No, I'm okay."

"Your face is saying otherwise," Soonyoung says. "What is it? And did I hear right, that you don't want to do the dance with me?"

"It's nothing. Really. Let's just drop this an-"

"Can you just please speak out for once?"

His voice turns stern. I look up, surprised.

"Come on. Do you think I am that stupid?" Soonyoung looks at me with hurt in his eyes. "Do you really think I didn't realise that you have been upset with me?"

My heart does a mini backflip.

"I was waiting for you to talk to me about it, so I waited. But here you are, talking about the issue you have with me to Seungcheol instead."

My mind wants to reply, but my mouth feels heavy to open. Probably from seeing Soonyoung's face turns grim – an expression he rarely shows.

"You could've just told me. Why can't you tell me? Am I just a stranger to you?"

"It's not that," I finally manage to let some words out, but Soonyoung is not finished talking.

"I noticed it from the start. You were reluctant about the whole thing, when you're usually always so excited about dancing. You half-hearted every practice session we did. I was worried that I did something wrong to you. What is it? Do you hate my ideas? Do you not want me to hang around you anymore? I can leave you alone if you wan-"

"Okay! Soonyoung, shut up for a second and listen to me."

Soonyoung looks like he's ready to speak more, but held back. I bit my tongue before saying the words I want to say.

"This dance routine is very important to me." I say with every strength I have.

"I've been working on it, since- I don't even remember when. Since forever. The song is so damn special to me because it reminds me of my mother who lives far away from me. You heard the lyrics too, you can figure out this much, right?"

Soonyoung stares back at me, his face unreadable.

"When the coach told me I could prepare a solo dance routine for the coming show, I thought, 'This is it. I can dance to this song in front of my mother and make her proud.' You know how important she is to me, Soonyoung, and through this whole idol thing she used to be so against. So do you understand how I felt when you came out of the blue saying that you wanted to do this dance routine too?"

I can see Soonyoung's anger slowly being washed down, which is a reflection of how I feel, too. _I had been angry about this matter from the start, but now I'm just... sad. Mainly for making Soonyoung sad._

"I'm aware I'm being selfish, and I hate myself for feeling this way. That's why I didn't say anything to you. I didn't want to hurt you, and I wanted to just keep it to myself, and just do the dance routine together anyway. It doesn't matter. I'm just.. sorry, for even thinking that I don't want to do the dance with you, Soonyoung."

I came to realise that I have been shaking all this time. I take a deep breath and think about what to say next. _Why isn't he saying anything? Is he pissed at me?_

Just then, Soonyoung speaks up.

"I just wanted to spend more time with you."

I feel a pang in my gut.

"I thought if I can do the dance routine with you, that I would be able to practice together with you," Soonyoung says with his head hung low. "I'm not good at anything else but dancing, so I wanted to help you whenever I could. I also... wanted to see you. More often. To talk to you. Without having to make up a dumb excuse like going to eat ramen or practicing singing just so I could be around you."

_Oh no._

"I'm sorry. I'll tell coach that I'm not doing it anymore."

//

_This is the worst idea of all time._

I keep pacing back and forth restlessly at the entrance of the company building. It's already late in the evening, and not a lot of people are still in the area.

Right now, my head feels like it's about to explode with the mixture of feelings bubbling inside of me. Anger, because I'm mad at my selfish self. Sad, because he had to find out that way. Stupid, because I couldn't realise that I am the insensitive one all this while.

Now we're not even talking. Nothing more than a simple 'Hi'.

Seungcheol noticed though, and earlier today he mentioned about how Soonyoung is "going to practice until very late tonight", and that I should "intercept him at all cost" and "make amends" because he is "losing his sunshine lately".

_Way to make me feel worse about it._

A gust of wind blows in my face, causing chills throughout my body. I crouch down and start ransacking my bag for a jacket or cardigan but to no avail.

Suddenly, something got thrown over me, blocking my view.

I grab the thing to see what it is. A jacket...?

I look behind to see Soonyoung standing behind me.

"Why are you still here?"

"Oh, hi." I stand up, slinging my bag on my shoulder while holding his jacket. I couldn't bring myself to say that I was waiting for him, so instead I say, "No reason."

"Wear the jacket, it's cold. I'll walk you to your house." Soonyoung starts walking away from the building, and I follow suit.

For about ten minutes, we walk in silence. Well, not completely for me, since I was racking my brain trying to think about what to say. _I don't know where to begin_. Though I know the longer I keep on thinking, I'd probably end up saying nothing.

"..Soonyoung?"

"Yeah?"

"About last time... I'm sorry."

Soonyoung glances at me.

"It was selfish of me to want to do the dance routine by myself."

Soonyoung stops in his track and turns to me.

"Do you seriously think I'm mad because you want your solo dance?"

I blink a few times before answering. "...Yeah?"

"You dumbo," Soonyoung says as he flicks my forehead softly.

"Hey, what was that for?" I touch my forehead and frown at Soonyoung.

"I was upset that you didn't tell me sooner."

"Huh?"

"That you couldn't speak to me about it. I thought we were close, to the point that I can tell you everything and vice versa. But knowing you kept something that important from me.."

_..Oh._

"It made me sad. At one point, I thought you actually hated me."

"What? Now that's just silly."

"It's not really, if you think about it from my side," Soonyoung says as he stares at the night sky. "You're busy most of the time doing a lot of things at once, and I feel like I'm annoying you by hanging around you. So I thought, at least by doing the routine together, I can be of help to you."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

He looks at me, who can't help to feel relieved to see a smile on his face, albeit a sad one.

"It's okay. But you need to know that you can tell me everything. I will understand, I promise."

"I know. Deep down I probably knew you'd understand, but.. I just am an expert on keeping things bottled until they burst out, I guess? It's a curse."

Soonyoung chuckles. "I should practice on opening bottles, then. At the right time, so it doesn't burst. Like opening a can of coke."

I smile, knowing that Soonyoung is slowly going back to his cheerful self.

"By the way..." Soonyoung pauses for a bit before continuing, "I already knew just how much love the song. That's why I didn't mind that you wanted to do the dance by yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"I sort of.. knew that you have been listening to that song, since.. last year was it? I, uh, always stalk the songs you listen to through that Friend Activity thing on Spotify."

I look at Soonyoung, who is avoiding my gaze and looks around aimlessly. "Uh... Let's get going."

Always surprises after surprises, this person. And I really thought I knew him well. I'm glad that he is the way he is, and how things turned out this way. For me, who always thinks of him as an insensitive person, to find out just how thoughtful he actually is.

Now that we've talked about the worst part, I feel like a big weight has been lifted off from my chest. It got me thinking - it probably won't hurt to tell Soonyoung another thing I've been trying to hold back, right?

_Might as well._

"You know you don't need any excuse."

Soonyoung turns to me with a puzzled look on his face. "For what?"

"For talking to me. Or hanging out with me."

"Oh... that. " He scratches his head. "But I really don't want to be a nuisance to you."

"..It's okay, though." I mumble my words.

"Hmm? What did you say?"

"You know, if you just.. come by, and hang, I don't mind. I know I look like I can't be bothered, but it is kind of nice to have you around... If you don't mind."

Soonyoung tilts his head before saying, "You mean I can join your dance practices?"

"Of course. I'll even use the pieces you've made for my choreo," I joke.

"And I can just come to the studio whenever?"

"Yeah, sure."

"And that I can chat with you while you're working or practicing?"

"Uh... Maybe, if you don't talk too much."

"I won't talk a lot. Just checking in from time to time."

"Then it's fine."

"So this means you don't hate me, right?"

"Of course I don't."

Soonyoung looks at me with the biggest grin I've ever seen on him.

"Then does this mean that you like me?"

At this moment, I regret that I even started this discussion.

"..."

"Is that a yes?"

"You're stupid. I'm leaving." Feeling my cheeks burning, I take bigger steps to escape from his teasing. _Why did I ever bring it up?_

"I'm taking it as a yes," Soonyoung announces from behind.

"No! That's not it!!" I turn back around to look at Soonyoung, beaming with a smile that is making me just a little bit dizzy.

"Too late," Soonyoung walks to me and grabs my hand. "Now let's go get something to eat."

"Wait, what?" I say as I get pulled by him, forcing me to walk faster.

"Let's eat. I'm hungry."

"But it's already late-"

"We'll find something open."

"-we're already close by the my house, why would we go somewhere else-"

"It's okay, I'll walk you back again later."

"-but we really should get back, need to be up early tomorrow-"

"Shush that mouth before I kiss you."

_This stupid guy._

//

**Author's Note:**

> thinking to write more things like this as I do feel ~slightly awkward~ to write romantic soonhoon but don't want to completely shut down the idea. let me know if you'd like to read more stories like this one!
> 
> thank you for reading as always ♡ㅅ♡ 
> 
> (come say [ hi](https://twitter.com/miffou))


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